The Ring-Bearer's Contract
by Estel
Summary: lol...this is up there with "And now for something Completely Different". This is comedic tidbits in the form of a contract. i have no idea how a contract is written, but bear with me.
1. Book I

The Elrond - Ring-Bearer Contract FrodoPotter Standard Disclaimer. Also, I have no clue how contracts are written, so, if you're a lawyer, don't sue me OR get on my back about how I didn't write it correctly.  
  
  
  
Book I Title I  
  
Line I  
  
Thou shalt carry the ring of power.  
  
Book I Title I Line II  
  
Thou shalt not give the ring to Boromir.  
  
Book I Title I Line III  
  
Even if he asks nicely with a cherry on top.  
  
Book I Title I Line IV  
  
Thou shalt not give up, even if you are stabbed, bloodied, hurt, scalped, or murdered.  
  
Book I Title I Line V  
  
Or bitten by a giant spider and dragged to the Dark Lord's stronghold.  
  
Book I Title I Line VI  
  
Thou shalt not sue Rivendell for any digits lost on the quest or hospital bills resulting from wounds received on the quest.  
  
Book I Title I Line VII  
  
While the other members of the fellowship, your fairly loyal and probably not trustworthy companions, are allowed to turn back and claim they are not of use, you will be called "chicken" and taunted publicly if you return having not destroyed the ring.  
  
Book I Title I Line VIII  
  
Though you may receive the recognition and praise of Rivendell (embodied in a beautiful 3-karat fools'-gold paperclip chain), all your food, clothing, and other expenses must be out-of-pocket. We're cheapskates.  
  
Book I Title I Line IX  
  
Sorry, did we say 3-karat? We meant to say 2.  
  
Book I Title I Line X  
  
Any and all companions will be based on the lowest bid figures.  
  
Book I Title II Line I  
  
Thou shalt not show Elrond any cheekiness.  
  
Book I Title II Line II  
  
Or Glorfindel.  
  
Book I Title II Line III  
  
Or Galadriel, because she is one hot babe.  
  
Book I Title II Line IV  
  
But Celeborn is Okay.  
  
Book I Title II Line V  
  
I never liked him anyway.  
  
Book I Title II Line VI  
  
Thou shalt look like a deer caught in headlights in all scary or tense movie moments, including, but not limited to, Gandalf's death and the Cave Troll scene.  
  
Book I Title II Line VII  
  
Thou shalt wear blue contacts, because the girls these days are turned on by blue eyes. Arwen told me- apparently Aragorn is naturally brown-eyed.  
  
Book I Title II Line VIII  
  
Thou shalt have intimate moments with various members of the fellowship and restrain yourself from hurling rotten fruit at members of the audience who claim you must be gay.  
  
  
  
Book I  
  
Title II Line XI  
  
Thou shalt wear tights.  
  
Book I Title II Line X  
  
Extra points if they are sparkly.  
  
Book I Title III Line I  
  
Thou shalt not become slashy with Gimli.  
  
Book I Title III Line II  
  
Thou shalt not giggle when Arwen pronounces Asfaloth's name Ass-Fell-Off the first time.  
  
Book I Title III Line III  
  
Thou shalt not engage in chanting "JACKASS! JACKASS! JACKASS!" in a crowd, no matter WHAT the occasion. (Inside joke.)  
  
Book I Title III Line IV  
  
Thou shalt not make any inside jokes.  
  
Book I Title III Line V  
  
Thou shalt not hit on Galadriel.  
  
Book I Title III Line VI  
  
Thou shalt not tell clean jokes.  
  
Book I Title III Line VII  
  
Thou shalt not call Aragorn or any other member of the fellowship a "pervy hobbit-fancier".  
  
Book I Title III Line VIII  
  
And don't worry, Sam really will kill him if he tries anything.  
  
Book I Title III Line IX  
  
Not that he would.  
  
Book I Title III Line X  
  
Thou shalt not steal lines from Cassandra Clare. 


	2. Book II

Okay, here's yet more insanity.  
  
  
  
Book II Title I Line I  
  
Thou shalt refrain from repeated singing of annoying music, including, but not limited to, any and all Beach Boys music, "Billy Jean", "Like a Virgin", and the theme song from The Brady Bunch.  
  
Book II Title I Line II  
  
Thou shalt not play "Bowling for Hobbits" with Gimli's helmet, no matter how tempting it may be.  
  
Book II Title I Line III  
  
If you see someone named Neo, tell him Elrond said "hi".  
  
Book II Title I Line IV  
  
Thou shalt not be an Anti-Semitist  
  
Book II Title I Line V  
  
Thou shalt not have a better movie than the schitsophrensics (I KNOW THE SPELLING ISNT RIGHT).  
  
Book II Title I Line VI  
  
FEAR THE BLOBBITS.  
  
Book II Title I Line VII  
  
Thou shalt have a head the size of a coconut.  
  
Book II Title I Line VIII  
  
Thou shalt always know the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow, both European and African.  
  
Book II Title I Line IX  
  
Thou shalt memorize the equations for Potential energy, kinetic energy, and all four Kinematics equations.  
  
Book II Title I Line X  
  
Thou shalt not make fun of Will Smith's pointy ears.  
  
Book II Title II Line I  
  
Thou shalt always carry a shrubbery.  
  
Book II Title II Line II  
  
Thou shalt not say "NEET" to old ladies, except if you've lost your shrubbery.  
  
Book II Title II Line III  
  
Thou shalt not thank Oprah Winfrey.  
  
Book II Title II Line IV  
  
Thou shalt not call anyone "Twitchy-Eyes".  
  
Book II Title II Line V  
  
Thou shalt not eat the Pot Brownies of Science.  
  
Book II Title II Line VI  
  
Thou shalt not take any wooden nickels.  
  
Book II Title II Line VII  
  
Always remember the much acclaimed, famed, well-known, famous, celebrated, renowned, eminent, prominent, illustrious, legendary elvish proverb, "eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."  
  
Book II Title II Line VIII  
  
Also, "Why put a weasel in the blender when you can chop it by hand".  
  
Book II Title II Line IX  
  
Ditto for "Wake up, Watson! There's a weasel chomping at my privates!"  
  
Book II Title II Line X  
  
We here in Rivendell like weasels, can't you tell?  
  
Book II Title III Line I  
  
Never underestimate the power of people in large groups.  
  
Book II Title III Line II  
  
By that I didn't mean elves, of course.  
  
Book II Title III Line III  
  
We're not stupid.  
  
Book II Title III Line IV  
  
Well, maybe a few.  
  
Book II Title III Line V  
  
Like Celeborn.  
  
Book II Title III Line VI  
  
Evil Celeborn.  
  
Book II Title III Line VII  
  
Always getting the fame, the glory.  
  
Book II Title III Line VIII  
  
AND GALADRIEL!!!  
  
Book II Title III Line IX  
  
I'm still sour. I must kill him.  
  
Book II Title III Line X  
  
Thou must do one little favor for Elrond: kill Celeborn, sedate Galadriel, and bring her back here. 


End file.
